12.03.03 PART II

I can be insecure. I've been outspoken.
I know I can be mean. Sometimes I am meaner then then I try.
I've been insensitive. I probably will be sometime again.
I am shy. I have been putting myself in new places.
I make myself talk. I am at times very eloquent.
There are times when I should say something;
and even as everyone is waiting, I spend sometimes being nervous.
I've been accused of mumbling, of storytelling.
I have told more then one lie. I daydream, I fantasize.
--I am a vast ocean of befores.
Actions and feelings and places that made me piece by piece.
I am salty. I am fun. I am smart. I am loving and naughty.
I have hit another human begin. I have left bruises.
I have laughed. I have been made fun of.
I have been accused and punished. I have asked for forgiveness.
I have been abused. I am immature at times.
I know I can be selfish. I am beautiful I am strong.
I have seduced. I have caused heartache.
I have been a generous and gracious lover.
I know how to receive pleasure.
--I am a rolling ocean and a crashing tide.
I am the shoreline that meets the befores.
-- I am still even the sand that is left to be the afters.
After I have hurt, I have gone back to hurt worse.
After I have trusted, I have accepted lie after lie.
After I have met new faces, I have snuck out the back door.
After I have filled my ocean, I have become a better person.
To acknowledge, accept and learn is the afters I live for.

12.03.03 Part I

If I could just take a step back,
I suppose I need the room to explore.
Everything is up so close, I feel distorted.
Like I am tied to a tree of thought I am looking to see.
Let me step aside of myself.
If I could do that for just a moment.
For a minute wonder why I wonder and analyze...
Why do I do this? Why do I think that? Why do I feel this way?
Just so I can put myself down
and never learn , hear or feel of my heart.
Nobody can make you.
No one will break what they can't touch.
Nobody can forgive you. No one will complete you.
I am not of glass, not borne of clay.
I cannot be sculpted. I am not fragile. I am not handmade.
I am expensive. I will not be handled like a toy.
I am not stuck on a shelf. I am not needing a favor.
I do silly things sometimes. I shout in joy and anger.
I dance like only I can. It feels good when I do it.
It feels wonderful when I am dancing just for me.
Sometimes I say things I don;t mean.
Or I forget to say anything at all.
I am not trapped in a sad little corner in my mind.
No longer, not any more.
But for a moment was strapped down to an unhappy little chair.
With a table, Kind of dusty.
So I, I took a step back, I looked around.
I saw where I was. It was time to get out of there.
Some dusty old closet where I could hide in unhappier days.
I had to clean that room. I threw it all away.
Now, I can see clear--
who I am on the inside, who I want to be.

Quick Intelligent Conspiracy

So well you speak to me.
passionate and eloquent.
Quick intelligence peppered with lots of questions.
I like you and I think you like me.
I can see you out of the Corner of my eyes.
Trying not to let me see you looking at me.
Its making me smile.
Feeling you, feel out me.
Your compliments are flowing like a sonnet.
And I will believe everything you speak to me.
My heart has conformed to your cause.
My desire is dedicated to the pursuit of you.
As you speak more casual--And less carefully.
I listen to you until I have become a part of your conspiracy.

too late too soon

So it looks like your not the one that it did seem.
And I wonder why you should call me to into you.
I desire to know about you. Why do you love me?
Is that what you call it? How can you say it?
I must think you are trying to be a better person.
And I can't help but feel that I am getting hurt
just listening to all you have to say.
Where is the honesty? what truth do you bring to me?
Why do you bring me here, just to get distracted?
And then your taken over with lack of time.
And then I have to leave.
I cant keep waiting and yet all of these men in my life;
Want to give me hope and grief and goodness... .
Where is the goodness?
Give it to me and keep my heart in good standings.
Don't run over me or keep me when I don't belong to you.
I am my own person and my own woman and I have love.
I have love to give and I must receive .
Don't you think you owe that to me?
I should think you would.
But I don't know yet how you operate and I should.
You would think all my decisions
would have given me insight to who you are.
Are you my friend? And confused stranger? a ready lover??
Dare I believe in your confidence and your love?
Give into your lust?
I wish that I knew. I only have time to see.
I'm sure one day too soon,
You will tell me if I am not good enough.
Or maybe you will never tell me because I am.
Where's the love in those words? Not so eloquent.
But words never had to sound good to be true.
I love you
Now how's that for brilliance?

Return me to my dreams

Recover me from a lone and insignificant life I used to lead
return me to my dreams and the dares of a sincere personality
believe me for all the truths I have become so inclined to be
offer me no remorse or pity nor grief
give me good love in your thoughts and your prayers
hinder me not with disdain or disinterest or disbelief
honor me with hopefulness don't give up on me
let me be my own champion and encourage that in me
set me apart but do not send me off alone
give me the courage to make it and give me good words to heed
I want nothing more then to make you proud
honor the life that you chose to give
I want to be the one you smile about
I want to make you a better person for knowing me